


Schroedinger's Safety

by Stria (Asia117)



Series: An Eternal Golden Braid [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Drugs, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gender Dysphoria, Happy Ending, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Reference To Suicidal Thoughts, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 08:09:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9595172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asia117/pseuds/Stria
Summary: In the end, even if Isak has always kind of been the one setting the pace of their relationship, it’s Even to make that step.[Or, Isak is a trans boy. Even is in love.]Translation in русский available inside.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Somebody stop me this is like the sixth skam thing I write, and I'm in the middle of my midterms rip me.
> 
> Anyway, if you're a trans peep, please pay attention to the tws! There's referenced dysphoria, and there are references to Isak's body parts, and to That Time Of The Month. So if you're triggered by that, feel free to skip and/or to shoot me a message and I'll tell you where to skip!
> 
> You can find the translation in русский [here](https://ficbook.net/readfic/5260892)!

The first time Sana calls him  _ Isobel _ , Isak cries till he’s too exhausted to do anything else. He stays there, in the school bathroom, for what seem like hours and hour, just trying to muffle his sobs by scratching at his forearm and biting his lips till he draws blood.

He rationally knows it’s not Sana’s fault. He always teases her, calls her sanasol. It was just obvious that Sana would retaliate. And with literally nobody at Nissen knowing about his…  _ situation _ , it was really bound to happen. He just didn’t think about it. And he just can’t stop resenting Sana with all his being.

Nissen was the perfect solution for him. It was far enough from where he lived that nobody he knew from middle school would go there. Just Jonas, because Jonas had always been his bro from the start, and Jonas was the first one to call him Isak and told him that  _ you don’t look like a girl, not at all _ . So he felt… safe, for a bit. He had changed his documents before enrolling at Nissen, and he was a new person, with new friends, and a safe blanket in the person of Jonas, who was always quick to divert the discussion as soon as it got to those comments their friends loved to make, things like  _ you’re such a girl _ when someone showed weakness.

Things that made him lay awake at night, trying not to think about it and failing miserably.

He gets out of the stall when he thinks he can stand without fainting from exhaustion, and hopes nobody is there to witness the state his face is in.

Of course, just his luck. A tall boy--even taller than Isak, who is already on the tall side--is washing his hands. He’s blonde and kind of mesmerising, plump lips and big eyes that sharpen as soon as he sees Isak walks out.

Isak fidgets with the sleeve of his hoodie, pulling it over his wrist where he scratched it. He wanted to wash it, but the stranger ruined his plans.

“Are you okay, mate?” The stranger’s voice is deep and beautiful, just like Isak wishes his own voice was. He looks at his face in the mirror, and sees it swollen, with his eyes rimmed red, and his whole bottom lip bloody. He licks it, self-consciously.

“I’m--fine. I’m fine.” His own voice is squeaky and stupid, and he hates it, hates himself. “Problems at--at home.”

The stranger purses his lips and nods slowly, understanding. “I’m sorry, it sucks.”

Isak snorts and almost starts to cry again--doesn’t he know it. With his mum being a religious freak, and his dad just fucking off as soon as he got a whiff of what Isak was actually  _ was _ , his situation at home has been unsustainable for a while, now. “Takk.”

He washes his face as fast as he can, and then walks away from the bathroom, the stranger’s gaze following him.

 

***

 

The stranger is named Even Bech Naesheim, and the next time Isak meets him it’s when he’s waiting for his mum to get out from the psych appointment, and he’s being called by the secretary into another studio.

He looks at Isak, a bit surprised, and then smiles swiftly and makes a gesture with his hand. He’s gone before Isak can respond.

 

***

 

After that, Isak seems to start noticing Even everywhere he goes. At lunch, Even is there, chatting with his friends. Between one class and another, Even is walking down the corridors, laughing at something someone said. When he’s trying desperately to open his locker, Even’s passing behind him and he can hear his voice.

They never talk, not really, not again. Even just catches his gazes a lot, and when he does he smirks and raises his head in a nood of greeting. Isak smiles and averts his gaze every time, and he’s yet to respond to any gesture.

It would feel nice, Isak thinks, if he could appreciate the gesture. It would be nice to make another friend that’s not just Jonas’ friend (don’t get him wrong--Magnus and Mahdi are  _ fine _ , they’re as great as straight teen boys can be, but they’re not… Isak’s not sure they would accept him, not really), but he’s so scared of letting people near him, so scared of people discovering he’s not a  _ real _ boy, he’s not  _ true _ , he’s lying to everyone, he’s--

Isak gulps and burrows his nails in the skin of his forearm. He has to try and find another way to cope from when spring will come, he knows it already, but he can’t stop himself. It’s just that feeling something on his skin, feeling pain on his skin, that helps him as a distraction from what he’s feeling inside. Or as a way to remind him that he can  _ feel _ something besides hollowness and self-hatred.

He lowers his gaze on the ground, and jumps a bit when he feels someone elbowing him. Even is resolutely not looking at his forearm, where his nails are still buried. “Wanna smoke?”

Isak shrugs and follows him outside. He’s not that much of a smoker, because his mother has the best nose in all Oslo, but he can’t muster the force to care about it.

 

***

 

And just like that, Even and he are on speaking terms now. Nothing much, mostly pleasantries and chit chat sharing a joint, but it’s something that works for them, and more than everything, it works for him. It makes him feel better, in a way, to know Even is fucked up enough to need a therapist. He doesn’t know why, it might be everything or it might be nothing, but sharing joints and chatting with someone who must know what being to a therapist is like makes him feel he can trust Even just a little bit more.

They don’t talk about that encounter, and they don’t talk about the fact that they still see each other sometimes in the studio. Isak is not strong enough to ask, because he doesn’t want to know that maybe Even is being forced by his parents to attend, and he doesn’t like it one bit. Isak prefers to wallow in the Schroedinger’s area of safety, where what he doesn’t know can’t kill him.

“What kind of music do you like?” Asks Even after school one day. They’re sitting on a secluded bench, sharing a joint.

Isak shrugs, embarrassed. He loves sappy songs, but he loathes to say that. Sappy songs are not manly, sappy songs are for  _ girls _ . Jonas listens to music for boys, like 90s hip hop. That’s the music Isak should listen to. So he shrugs. “Eh, mostly NWA, and Cypress Hill. I don’t know.”

Even nods. “Nas? Nas too?”

“Not really. Sorry.” Isak shrugs, Maybe he should have said Kings of Convenience.

Maybe saying Kings of Convenience would have gotten him a weird stare from Even and an  _ are you a girl then? _ , and the sole thought makes him shudder and swallow nervously.

Even’s hand is on his shoulder, strangely comforting. “We can listen to it together, if you want.”

 

***

 

“So, why are you here then?”

Isak jumps a bit, raising his gaze from the game he’s playing on his phone. Even is sitting close to him, and he just broke their easy balance they found in the last weeks. Isak swallows, and shrugs. “Mum goes here. She’s schizophrenic.”

He looks anxiously at Even, to see if the revelation makes him recoil or something, but Even just nods. “Okay, gotcha. Do you want to know why I’m here?”

Isak doesn’t really, he prefers to stay in Schroedinger’s arms, but he just looks at Even, biting his lips. “Yeah, go on.”

Even smiles, and doesn’t look back at Isak. “I’m bipolar. Had a really bad breakdown last year, and couldn’t avoid going to the shrink anymore. I’m better now, more or less.”

Isak just looks at his hands and nods. “Gotcha,” he repeats.

 

***

 

When Isak has his period, those are the days where he wishes he could cut his abdomen to pull off his uterus, or alternatively find a way to end it all. Jonas knows when it’s those days, because he’s started keeping count of the days since Isak’s first time, when he wanted to throw himself off a bridge. Jonas sticks close to him and doesn’t let him go, barks at every person who tries to say a word.

Isak is usually grateful for that, but now this means he doesn’t really talk to Even for a week, receiving only confuses gazes and raised eyebrows in exchange. 

When it’s all finished, Even approaches him slowly, like he doesn’t know if it’s allowed anymore, and asks, “did you get a boyfriend then?”

Isak stops in his tracks, and feels like a churning in his stomach. He used to like Jonas a lot, and he’s still coming to terms with the fact that he can like boys and  _ be _ a boy, and liking boys doesn’t make him a girl. He swallows. “Nah, he’s my best friend, he--” Isak doesn’t know how to continue. He just shrugs, and Even seems to accept it. He seems to perk up, and offers him to share a joint again, and just like that, it’s like it was before

 

***

 

His friendship with Even sometimes is easy like breathing, when they talk about all and nothing for hours and hours on end, and sometimes it’s difficult and heavy, when they start to wade into deeper waters and Isak finds himself more and more inclined to talk to him about personal stuff, closer to tell him about his gender identity.

He bites his lips every time, thinks it’s not really safe, he doesn’t know if Even is actually a raging transphobe who will beat him up, and he stays silent, wishing he could just say that. But Schroedinger this time is a bitch, and leaves him feeling like he’s being punched in the guts as soon as he thinks of the possible consequences.

So, he chooses the psych studio to do it. It’s an area where they’re more or less controlled, and if Even reacts badly he has the time to call Jonas and tell him what happened, and Jonas can tell Mahdi and Magnus that there’s someone to beat up, or something.

He’s just there, sitting near the big plant in the waiting room, and Even is sitting facing him, talking animatedly about a film he saw the day before, and Isak takes a deep breath.

“I’m trans.”

He’s almost whispering when he says it, and he can see that Even doesn’t register the words suddenly, because he keeps speaking for half a second, and then he trails off as soon as the words hit him. He expected shock at the very least, but Even just smiles and nods. “That why you’re so secretive of your shit?”

“... Is that all?” Isak doesn’t know what to think. He’s trembling a bit and balls his hands into fists to try and stop it. Even shakes his head in answer, a concerned expression in place.

“Not in that way. I’m very very happy you decided to trust me with this information, Isak. It’s just that I don’t--you seem uncomfortable, I don’t know if you want the coming out to be a big deal or not.”

Isak never spoke to someone who talked with such candour, and the thought makes him chuckle a bit. “It  _ is _ a big deal for me. You’re the first person I tell, and the only other person who knows is Jonas, and he was there to witness everything, so…” He trails off, and looks at Even.

Even nods in understanding. “Well then. Coffee to celebrate? After my appointment?” He adds apologetically when the secretary calls him.

If Isak takes his mum home, he can get back just in time for Even to be finished with the psych. He nods and smiles a bit. “Sure, why not?”

 

***

 

Even is… amazing about the whole thing. He lets Isak speak freely about his story, about how he destroyed his family (and he doesn’t tell it’s not true, which Isak appreciates) and about how he changed his legal name as soon as he could do it without parental consent, without interrupting not even once. Then he tells him he used to date a trans girl who was very active in the social circles, and took him to meetings to  _ educate _ him about the problems trans people face in the society. “So, if I’m ever a jerk about it,” He concludes, smiling apologetically, “just hit me hard on the back of my neck. I probably deserve it.”

Isak snorts and shakes his head. “You’re a bit taller than me, though. Does the bicep works?”

“That can be a good compromise,” Even says, and Isak smiles for what seems like the first time in ages.

 

***

 

Even’s favourite shirt says  _ TWO TIMES BI: BIsexual, BIpolar _ . He doesn’t wear it often, but he seems to be always wearing it every time Isak hangs at his. Isak vaguely wonders if that’s supposed to be a declaration of intents, every time.

He just doesn’t know what to expect. Even’s always been really careful with him, leaving him to move at his own pace, and his coming out brought physical touches and Isak’s okay with that, but he doesn’t know if that means flirting or friendship, since his only friendship model is the one he has with Jonas, and he doesn’t really know it’s supposed to work. 

He wouldn’t mind if that was flirting, he knows that. Even is funny, and witty, and smart, and amazing, and he’s okay with Isak’s mum and he’s okay with Isak’s life, and Isak sometimes could cry thinking that he has another person in his life.

And they cuddle so much, because Isak is so touch starved he could die from it, sometimes. Even hugs him to greet him, and at first the hugs were a bit customary maybe, a couple of seconds, but now when Isak arrives at Even’s, he wraps himself around him and they stay on the threshold, swaying for what seems like ages. Isak honestly doesn’t know how he did before it. 

So yeah, he would like it a lot, if it was flirting, but he doesn’t know how to tell if it his.

He mulls it over a lot, till Jonas approaches him and it’s a strange déjà-vu, the way he says it. “Did you get a boyfriend, then?”

Isak almost laughs, and then he tells Jonas everything, since the beginning when he was in the bathroom crying. Jonas just listen and nods sometimes, then high-fives him and tells him to go for it, because  _ that dude is gone for you, Isak. Gone _ . Isak doesn’t really believe it, but he’s giddy with the knowledge and doesn’t know what to do. Jonas is better than him at social cues, because he’s better than him at having social relationships with people.

Jonas has always been more social and popular than Isak, and people wondered why he chose to hang out with the social outcast.

 

***

 

In the end, even if Isak has always kind of been the one setting the pace of their relationship, it’s Even to make that step.

They’re at Even’s, hanging out as always, but they’re not smoking for once because Even’s been trying to slow down with weed and alcohol, because it’s not good for his bipolar disorder. They’re just listening to music and talking on Even’s bed, and Isak has his eyes closed because he’s tired and he just wants to let Even’s voice wash over him and soothe him.

Even stops speaking all of a sudden, and then Isak hears him take a deep breath. “Can I kiss you, Isak?”

Isak’s heart starts beating faster, and his stomach swoops, and he can’t contain the smile that spreads over his face. “Yes, please, do it.”

And Even does.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked it then consider leaving a kudo or a comment? Alternatively I'm on [tumblr](http://cosenoditea.tumblr.com)!


End file.
